Nonsensical Nonsense, all yours

atleast thats what its called.

and with this new lj background im now slightly more trendy.

Some days I understand your pain
And then I feel my own
Some days I think we are the same
And then know that can not be
Some days I hear that song and know
But others I can’t let it go

365 thoughts for 365 days
I hate you then feel pity
I am ashamed then feel righteous
I’m tortured by the anger
And tormented by the pain
when I think Ive started to understand you
its time to start again

... davids birthday is coming up soon. and i have no idea what to get him. all of the things i know he wants (like the hatton bar set from costplus, or the trip to vegas) are too expensive. he like movies but he has so many i wouldnt know what he doesnt have and still wants. and a gift certificate seems a little impersonal for someone you've been dating for almost a year, wouldnt you say? damn it people help me out here....

got any good ideas for boys who like movies and poker and drinking? :)

while i was lying here at davids house (ill get to the why later) i hear this scrichy scratcy noise and then it gets louder and louder and then a flop noise and all of a sudden i look over at the fireplace and theres a bird in it! flapping his crazy little wings beating himself about the glass fireplace cover attempting to get free. so i opening the fireplace slowly with bowl and lid in hand trying to catch him to take him outside before he beats himself to death. but the damn thing wont get in the bowl. he flies halfway back up the flew and then sits on a brick where i cant really reach him. i try again to gently knock him off the ledge into the bowl and and scratchy little bird feet touch my arm and he starts flapping his wings like a maniac. and being the true girlie girl i can sometimes be i screech like a banchee and drop the bowl. so i say screw it ill just open the front door and the screen and open the fireplace all the way and stand back so birdie can go on his merry little way. but as soon as i open the fireplace the bird comes flying out like a mental patient right into the only part of the glass fireplace cover where if he lodged himself he would need my help to get free. but i free him. and he flies around slamming in to walls and finally goes behind the tv where theres a window and proceeds to sit on the floor, devising his great bird escape i imagine. so i try begging the bird instisting to him that he would much rather go out the front door, and that i know hes been through a lot but its only 10 more feet and if he will just get into the bowl i will carry him myself. apparently my bird is a little rusty or he does speak english cause he just sat there. to make things worse i can tell hes looking out the window at two other birds sitting on the fence undoubtably laughing their beaks off at his predicament. eventually he makes one more attempt to fly threw the closed window and a catch him in the bowl and take him outside.

all this with a hideous sunburn which is why i stayed home from work in the first place. disneyland was great but we lost the sunscreen early in the day and were running around until about 1 or 2 before we noticed we hadnt put more on. but when we went to put more on it wasnt there. so we had to stand in a sunny line for another 30 minutes, burning what lilly white flesh i had left on my shoulders. we even cut our trip short because i was in so much pain putting on a shirt was torture and i was taking tylenol just so i could rub aloe gel on my blistered exterior. but im feeling much better now. only now i know it will start to peel and itch and frankly itching is worse than pain in my opinion. because you can generally do something to relieve pain but very little releives the horrible post sunburn itch and its impossible to ignore.

on another note, there were an alarming number of obese children walking about disneyland. and it probably doesnt help that all disneyland serves at their vending sites is $9 hamburgers and sugar ladden treats. although an amusing attempt to "health-up" their kids meals was to offer baby carrots in place of fries. but i cant recall any parent ordering carrots in the 40 minutes i stood their waiting for my cold $9 hamburger. additionally, the parents of these obsese children were 9 times out of 10 morbidly obese as well. far too many fat people at disneyland i say. and a lot of douchebags too. i mean line hoppers are supposed to be punk ass kids right? well we got line hopped but a FAMILY of fat mexicans, and two ADULT asians who i later heard talking and the one asian said to the other "this is my first time at disneyland" and i almost had the nerve to say "its my first time here too but you dont see me cutting, you big jerk!" but i didnt. ive already gotten into far to much trouble over my big mouth. but i did secretly hope one of them would get diarrhea. other douchebags included the family of mexicans who literally pushed me into a fence to get closer to mickeys laser show, and the idiots with backpacks on who could remember their body extended past their back and keep bumping into me, and the lady who was eating a turkey leg in line for the Buzzlightyear Ride right in front of the sign that said no eating, drinking or smoking.

however, all in all it was a fun trip. but i can say with udder certainty that i have no desire to return until i have children. i guess because my parents never took me as a kid disneyland just doesnt have that nostalgic appeal. and there are a lot closer places to get a rollercoaster fix. ha ha ha ha ha.

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Im officially an 8 at www.hotornot.com! tee hee hee

Im going to DISNEYLAND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER THIS WEEKEND! yeeeeeeee-haw! Im going to take pictures with Mickey and Goofy and Chip and Dale and Donald and well EVERYBODY. and Im going to wear pigtails and eat cotton candy and let my inner child run amuck! Im so excited!!!!

(I think this is my first happy happy joy joy journal entry...)

clickitty clickitty up i go
then whooosh
down
dooown
doooooown i go again
i hold my hands up
i scream
clickitty clickitty
where the hell is this thing going anyways
and then that stupid pause
waiting
waaaiting
waaaaaiting
god damn it i hate theeeese......
fucking rollercoasters

... its super cool!

http://www.myspace.com/superfunhappychick

i think taking those extra sleeping pills last night has caused me to be in a state of sleepy disconnect. i feel back alseep and didnt awake until noon even sleeping through the alarm i had set. i had another weird dream where i yelled at my parents for letting H** molest me. in the dream we were all sitting in a swimming pool and my moms friend Nancy was there trying to lead us in a meditation, but i was ignoring her. and drifting off into my memories of this pool and it occurred to me that this was the pool i had been molested in. and i turned to my family all sitting in the pool trying to meditate and i said something to the effect of "this is bullshit" and i showed them too dolls i had been playing with. they were supposed to be dolls from my childhood. and there was red paint on the vagina and anus of the dolls to indicate blood. i pointed to the dolls as if this would be the only proof needed to convince them, yet they were not convinced. i was dumbfounded as they tried to continue with their meditation handing me a glass of wine, as it was supposed to be my turn to drink from the cup. i was enraged. i showed them the dolls again, and this time Nancy took the dolls in hand. and a strange thing happened, when she took the dolls i could see that the 2 dolls were only 1. when she put the dolls in her left hand it looked like a short haired blonde girl, when in the right hand it looked like a long brown haired girl that i recognized to be me. i thought well the other must be my sister, but Nancy assured me that they were both me. i was still holding the glass of wine and so enraged and unable to make any sense of this discovery i poured it into the pool, and began staring at the glass and directly my anger at it. and another strange thing happened. i could see my anger begin to boil and turn to blood. the remaining drops of wine on the edge and bottom of the cup boiled up and turned to blood, soon filling the cup again and overflowing my liquid rage into the pool. at this point my mom broke down and admitted she had suspected something strange had happened but being too afraid of what it might be did not investigate but merely sent H** away. i did not say a word. i let the blood wine boil and overflow and then i poured it into the pool as well. then as if i had found some secret power within me, i begin to concentrate on the walls of my dream and transcend it. and i found myself halfway between dreams, being able to see the dream i had just been in, and able to speak to a dream character from another dream. he was on his way to burningman, and said his name which i cannot remember but i knew it to be something relating to cooking. i asked him if he knew about H** and the dolls. and his face became blank. he insisted he did not. and then quickly ran back into the dream he had come from.

now i dont know what this dream means and i cannot remember any real life event of being molested. but i have strange peices of the puzzle that make me believe i was. there are only two people who i believe could have done this to me. One being my uncle who is now serving a prison sentence for the rape of my cousin and ongoing molestation of small children. the other is H** who was molested as a child and would have had better access to me at the age I believe this to have happened. the strange puzzle peices point to him ( a drawing from when i was 4 of a girl with no arms and no legs just a small square where the torso would be, and inside the torso a very distinct depiction of a penis- several more drawings like this one, even one depicting a boy with a gun at his crotch chasing me through a park as i scream no, and as the sun screams no, in this drawing i have a heart shaped balloon tethered to my hips, i also read in his year book where someone had written "fuck your little sister for me") but i have no active memory of any abuse. just these peices and the reoccuring dreams that he admits it, or i confront him, or he tries to do it again. i have had these dreams regularly for 2 years now. after the bar fight i told my father of my suspicions but he was too shocked and nearly had a nervous breakdown at the thought that as he put it "he had failed to protect his children" so i recanted saying that he was right, it must have been a memory placed in my head by my last therapist. the therapist who saw both me and H** and who my father believes to be deluded. but i have no idea if he is right. if my suspicions are the result of a crappy therapist, or the puzzle peices i discovered after my therapist encouraged me to look at my childhood artwork. deep down i know something happened to me but i cant remember anything about it. who, when, where, what.... so i think it unfair to say it was H** even though in my head he is the most probable suspect. somedays i wish i could remember everything and just get over it, and others i think there must be a reason i can not remember... that either it never happened or that it would be so damaging to my being that my psyche would never reveal it.

ok ive had enough for today. i am done thinking about this. pondering this. feeling guilty about this.

she storms out
and then back in again, as quickly as before
without a word about it
shes a mystery and more,
she smiles and laughs
and shrugs it off
and says she doesnt care,
but deep down in there somewhere
she's seen pain too heavy or too hard to bear,
i love her
but she can not see the pain she causes me
when the silence that engulfs her
is suddenly surrounding me.